Fears

Today is my last day at my job. I guess I’m feeling a little sad. Considering that I have all but been fired from it. I wonder if it was the 4 sick days in 2 months that I took. Was it the horrible work that I produced? Ah, many uncertainties crossed my mind.

Of course, their official “statement” to me was that my help wasn’t really needed. And to be truthful, yea, I hadn’t had barely anything much to do the past month. So I wonder if it’s true. Oh the thoughts that crosses one’s mind when something goes off.

And of course, my mother, she’s constantly nagging at me, and now she has another excuse to keep shoving “worthless” in my face. Saying all about how unneeded or unwanted I am and ranting all about my horrible work etiquette. I guess my work etiquette isn’t at its best. I’m finding it hard to be motivated at times really. Life is meaningless for me.

But I will try. And try I will. Silently. My mum can rant all she wants, she doesn’t need to know my plans for the future. And frankly, I am unsure about my own plans for the future as well. Because I’m not smart or pretty, I can’t really make it into any of the local universities. Because I’m poor, I can’t exactly apply into the private universities as well. Ah life. The random unluckiness it doles out.

So bleak.

I just live life day after day now, trying bit by bit to improve it a little. Hoping that I won’t crash and fall again. The uncertainty of my future scares me. I want to die young, when people would think “Oh what a tragedy, she seemed so promising with her whole life ahead of her!” I don’t want to live to age 40. I don’t know if I would be in a stable job or have a steady income by then. What if I don’t? I would be... by society’s standards, a loser. I am by no means a genius or averagely pretty. I’m nothing really. My looks would only degrade with age, I am certain to die a spinster; the future doesn’t look very exciting. I wouldn’t have the advantage of youth on my side any more. Not to mention brains. Or looks. Sucks.

But... I’ll keep trying. Life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Don’t got the courage to end it, so I’ll just follow the flow for now. Watch this space. :)